Smell No Evil

Lucky for me my smeller ain't working today. Evidently there was some sort of restroom mishap early this morning at the office. One described the odor as that of a syncronized, five-toddler pooping spree... or spray. The green sort. I couldn't smell a thing. Even so, I didn't risk venturing into that lavatory, opting instead for the furthest restrooms on the other side of the building. It gave my sanity walk-about some added credibility.

About once or twice a week, when I can't take anymore of the cube life, I go on a sanity walk. I zone out and walk the mazes of the buildings attached together as one, making up my office building. This building is built of brick and irony - an office of a home improvement retailer in such disrepair. It's a mozaic of crumblingness as I am a mozaic of scars.

My favorite scar is the one on my left hip. It was born in june of 1989 when I sliced my hip open on a stop sign which covered a hole in my best friend's mini-ramp. Front-side lipslide to Mr. Wilson... hip slid down the transition across the stop sign, slicing my ass open like some ham at the deli counter at Harris Teeter. There was weeping and gnashing of teeth. Today, that scar has a mop-n-glow shine that you can see your reflection in.

Anyway, I walk the halls in much the same way I walk my street at night with the dog; praying. "Dear God, please help me not to be such a friggin' idiot. I am stupid and need your guidance..." Other ideas shared between me and the deity are along the lines of: "please make her like me", "please forgive me for what I did today that I'm probably going to do again tomorrow" and "please help me not to hate so many people..."

Of course, I'm joking, mostly. Mostly I'm praying for strenthened faith and for the health of whoever's arse exploded in the bathroom this morning. And I thank God that I couldn't smell it.

It finally rained today. I walked in it and enjoyed it. The last time I was really happy it was pouring down raining. Can't help but hope that there's some metaphor here that might mean maybe a long drought is coming to an end. Prolly not. I read too much into everything. Anyway, it felt good. It's been about a 1000 degrees for a couple months now. Then, finally, a good solid rain shower. Relief. I sat in my car-port with my dog right at the edge, finished off a book and listened to the rain. It friggin ruled.

Consequently, I can't skate now; not outdoors, anyway. S'ok, I skated enough yesterday. Enough to wear a hole in the side of my foot. At a new indoor park in Hickory. It's pretty nice. The mini ramp would be perfect if it wasn't so slickery... masonite, man... There is a reason why you can buy ten sheets of masonite for the price of one sheet of skatelite. Skatelite has spoiled me forever. When I build my mini, It'll be surfaced in Skatelite.

It's almost friggin Monday again. Some butthole in Indiana won my jackpot, so I won't be singing any Johnny Paycheck tomorrow like I'd hoped. Maybe nextime... keep hope alive!

Frontal

f/s lipslide - photo by Nate Jordan

The Porky Pig Dream

I have this dream every once in awhile that I call the Porky Pig dream. I'm out in public somewhere; at work, at KFC, at the mall ... wearing only a shirt. The shirt is just shy of completely covering the twig and berries, but does offer them some shade. I'm always thinking "damn, I need to get some droors on!". People just stare at me and all I can do is look back and say "A-bit-n-nah-bit-n-nah-bit-nah... That's all, folks!"

officeDaze[2]

Brad Neutron (your (not my) director): Working late? Hard at work? Working hard? Doin' the stuff to keep it keeping on?

You: What??

B.N.: Did you go to that meeting that was a waste of your time to decide how much un-paid overtime it's going to take you to give the user the stuff they don't need that's way out of your scope?

You: Go way, Brad, can't you see I'm trying to get some work done despite your every effort to thwart me?

B.N.: Well, you know? Everyone's working hard, hard at work, working on the work that needs to be done to keep things working; thinking inside and outside the box about pardigm shits...

You: Shits?

B.N.: ...shits and grins, keep on keeping on, words, nouns, verbs and adjectives...

You: Geez...

officeDaze[1]

From: Effingham, Dick
To: DL-IT-DEPT666-TotalClosedNoose; DL-IT-DEPT666-CV-TotalClosedNoose
Cc: Thomas, Jimmy; Rock, Rick; Kilometre, Jacques
Subject: enter key lockdown

All,

Please be advised, as with the left mouse button, effective immediately you must now obtain director approval before pressing the enter key. In the coming days, members of the Compliance Committee Terror Squad will be coming around to remove all Enter keys and replacing them with the compliant Entre key. When pressed, the Entre key will send an IM message to your supervisor to request permission to complete the action.

Anyone caught using the Enter keys without signed director approval will be suspended pending a full investigation.

Let's keep gettin' R Done and tappin' dat ass!

Dick Effingham
Vice President
IT Torture & Harassment

officeDaze[0]

Test Case ID	Test Case	Expected Results	Actual Results
3	Press an invalid function key.	A message says "Invalid key pressed."	As Expected
4	Enter a letter other than "S" in the selection field and press enter.	A message says "Please enter an 'S' to select."	As Expected
5	Press the Esc key.	The screen exits to the main menu.	As Expected

Rob: "Vencat... Got a minute? Instead of 'As expected' in the Actual Results column, I'm going to need you to type in exactly what the results were..."

Vencat: "But the results were exactly as expected."

Rob: "I know but Brad will not sign the form if he cannot tell that the test was actually completed... we're going to need you to key in what actually happened."

Vencat: "No, actually, what actually happened was the same thing as what was expected... actually."

Rob: "Well we need you to type that."

Vencat: "I did, actually..."

Rob: "No, actually type in the actual result."

Vencat: "... ok."

Vencat highlights the expected results and pastes them over the "As Expected"s; saves the file and resends the file to Rob for approval... again.

Test Case ID	Test Case	Expected Results	Actual Results
3	Press an invalid function key.	A message says "Invalid key pressed."	A message says "Invalid key pressed."
4	Enter a letter other than "S" in the selection field and press enter.	A message says "Please enter an 'S' to select."	A message says "Please enter an 'S' to select."
5	Press the Esc key.	The screen exits to the main menu.	The screen exits to the main menu.

=============================

Rob: "Vencat... Gotta minute?"

Vencat: "No actually, I lost many minutes more than one minute last time you asked me that query..."

Rob: "It's about your test plan, Vencat... it looks like you just copied the Expected Results column and just pasted it into the Actual Results column."

Vencat: "Yes?"

Rob: "... well we need you to type in exactly what happened in the Actual Results column."

Vencat: "I typed in 'As Expected'... this is as occurred... you did not approve..."

Rob: "You want to do this right, right?"

Vencat: "Right?"

Rob: "Alright! Thanks, Vencat." walks back to his office.

Vencat: "No, actually..."

=============================

Test Case ID	Test Case	Expected Results	Actual Results
3	Press an invalid function key.	A message says "Invalid key pressed."	As Expected, A message says "Invalid key pressed."
4	Enter a letter other than "S" in the selection field and press enter.	A message says "Please enter an 'S' to select."	As Expected, A message says "Please enter an 'S' to select."
5	Press the Esc key.	The screen exits to the main menu.	As Expected, the screen exits to the main menu.

Coming soon to officeDaze:

• "Opportunity Sessions with Brad" or what Brad wants to talk to you about


• "Signatures, Signatures... Signatures" or forging ahead.


• "Dave, Software Release Nazi" or MAAAAA! NO, SEE! MAAAAA!.


• "The Turnover meeting" or Monday Morning Yawn-Fest.


• "Overseas Expansion" or Aboot less L's and more U's, eh?... and


• "Coding Tips From Above" or Leesin to me... thees iis whajou going to do...

I-D-Ten-T

A new way to exfoliate that dry skin on your paws is to:

1) Acquire a murky, cheesy-water filled sink.
2) Uh-oh... It's clogged. Get some heavy-duty professional strength Liquid Plumber!
3) Pour 1/5 of bottle into the clogged sink... Nothing?
4) Let is sit for 30 minutes, like the instructions told you to.
5) Don't end a sentence with a preposition.
6) Still nothing? Pour half the bottle in... And wait another half an hour.
7) Nothing? Maybe the sink stopper is functioning properly; reach down into the foaming chemicals and pull it out.
8) Success! No clogged drain and you've burnt a couple layers of skin off!

A Larry David Moment

I feel like I just uttered the c-word at a poker game.

S'been A While

I haven't updated this thing in a while. I'm recovering after suffering from a broken femur due to freak skateboarding 'mishap'. I was hauling ass through the bowl at Grayson when I heard "BOARD!!!". Someone's board got away from them and into the bowl. It was in my path and I had no time to react (correctly)... I bailed; jumped off and jammed my right leg straight into the tranny of the 10 1/2. My leg snapped into and... I still shutter when I think about it. To make a long story short, I was in the hospital for four days, out of work at my parents house for four weeks. I have a rod bolted into my femur that will assure that I'm searched at the airport for the rest of my life. The good news is, I'm walking again... it ain't pretty, but it's walking. I'm supposed to recover fully within 3-4 more weeks and I can't wait to roll again. Rise with the Fallen!

Can't Spare A Square

Geez...

Word Of The Day

lack-ri-ty, n - an uncheerful lack of willingness. "He answered the pager with lackrity."

Smell Saddam's Finger!

Crammed up his ass by night, by day Saddam's finger becomes a chemical weapon.


Go on... "smell it!"

The best part is the looks on his co-defendants faces... They've smelt that finger before. AP photos.

B & E

Ohhhh shux.....

Ok. So coming back from lunch today, I got pretty stoked when I noticed the North Booger Haller public pool was being drained. I said something along the lines of "that thing's gonna get skated tonight!" And then back to work I went and forgot all about it until driving back by on the way home.

I got my W2 today, so I started trying to do my taxes, but I was missing a couple stock purchase confirmations I'd need to fill out the capital gains schedule D form. I looked everywhere, 'to no avail'. "Maybe they're at the office."

So as I'm about to walk out the door, I remember the pool and grab my board. It's about 10pm as I'm heading from Booger Haller to North Booger Haller to see about those tax papers. I get to the cross roads where, there in the darkness, an empty pool sits waiting to be ridden. I make my decision and turn right.

This pool is right next to the North Booger Haller McPark. I park in front of the 'Park Closes At Dark' sign, get out and head around to the back of the pool house. Sure 'nuff, she's empty... unfortunately, it goes from what looks like a 3' shallow end to maybe a 5' deep end and it is completely square and useless to me. What a let down!

Just as I'm about to walk away, the place suddenly sounds like there's incoming scud missles in Jerusalem. "What the?!?!?" I trot back to the truck and just as I back out I see a cop car slam into a u-turn. He bee-lines to me at high speed, lights and siren blazing and blaring. In a second they're out with guns and flashlights drawn and I'm about to shit my pants.

I got my hands up off the top of the steering wheel, cause I ain't down for getting shot over this. He demands the window down and ID. I comply. The flash light is burning my retina, but at least he's put his gun away. The other cop's around back looking at my plates. "Kill the motor! What were you doing back there?!?"

I told him I was just looking at the pool.

"JUST LOOKING AT THE POOL?!?!?!"

"Yeah, I wanted to skate it... I saw it being emptied today... and..."

"WHERE'D YOU GO?"

I point "right back there..." The other cop shines his light in my back window; "Well, he does have a skateboard..."

"Did you jump the fence?" Three more cop cars pull up surrounding.

"No sir, when I saw it was square and no good for me I was leaving when the alarm went off".

They go huddle up to figure out what to do. "Says he was just going to skate the pool..." the first cop mutters. I can't help but laugh at myself now in this fusterCluck of a situation and one of the cops that just arrived seems to notice. This is the guy that gives cops a bad name. The one with a chip on both shoulders. He's staring me down now. "Haven't I had to talk to you before?"

"No sir."

"Yeah I have, I've had trouble with you before."

"No sir."

"I didn't catch you jumping the fence to the skatepark last week?"

"No." I drop the sir, now. This dude doesn't deserve respect. He's an asshole with a Napolean complex. Small man. Big mouth.

"Well I've seen you before. I've had to talk to you before... Have I pulled you over?"

"No, but I had a wreck last year, maybe it was then." He glares, says he doesn't think so and is sure that he's had trouble from me before. The first cop comes back, while two of the others go to finally shutoff the alarm.

"You know I can take you in for breaking and entering based on your statement?"

"Yes, sir... I'm sorry, man. I had no idea this would be such a big deal... my bad..."

He flashes his light in my back window again and notices my laptop bag this time. "You work at XXXXXX?" - "Yes, sir." - "I thought I recognized that bag, my wife has one; works in IT". - "That's where I work..." I know I'm going to get away now, when the asshole-cop pokes his snout back in. Now he remembers... He's sure now that he's kicked me out of "West Park" and confiscated my board...

"No. I've never seen you in my life... and..." Cooler cop steps back in, while the pig stares me down some more - he'd cuff me and slam me around on the hood of his car if it were up to him. Cool cop tells me he's going to let me go, "cause this would look bad on you at XXXXXX"... but he bans me from the park - the skatepark, the pool, the picnic area, the basketball courts... Pig's pissed he didn't get to billy-club me and assures me that he better not have any reason to ever see me again in North Booger Haller. Says he'd "a booked" me.

They get in their cars and leave. I leave.

The End

... Yeah

When my alarm clock went off at 5am this morning, last night's idea didn't seem so great anymore, so I reset my clock for another 10 minutes to see how it played then... couldn't get back to sleep. So I got up, pact a gang of Gatorade, put the dog out back with food and water, got my board, a throw-away camera I bought last night, some Mapquest directions and headed out into the fog.

The sun started coming up between Gastonia and Gaffney. "What am I doing?" Effit. I wanted to go see my old hood and check out the Skate Park Of Athens and this would be my last chance for a while. The weather was turning out to be perfect and I was man on a mission.


man on a mission

For once Mapquest's directions were pretty good and didn't send me looping thru a scenic route. Straight to SPOA at almost the exact estimated travel time. How'd they know I'd get lost in the dark and fog on Business 321 before I got out of Norf Cack - then go 90 mph the rest of the way? I got there at about 9:30.

SPOA is friggin' sweet and I'm now a true believer and fan of Grindline. There's infinite lines and just a lot of stuff packed into a pretty small area. The coping is steel, cement and bullnose brick and it all grinds nice. Tight trannies everywhere especially in the snake run that culminates in a 4' vert bowl - tight like gnat booty. There's bigger vert bowls and some oververt. Some mellow bumps flow either into the over-vert capsule thing and snake run or into the combi bowl. The combi has a vert round wall with brick bullnose, surrounded by some 6-7' ungulations then down into what I'd guess is a 10' - 12' square bowl. Smooth. I skated it for about an hour with some ATLiens before heading on to ATLboro.


Goooooooooooo!

Atlanta's just plain run out of room. Buildings are just getting stact on top of each other now. In my old hood, what used to by my yard had four shiny and fake stone-faced condo's freshly planted. My old house was still there, but unrecognizable; it's been heavily remodeled with vinyl and columns. So had the rest of the houses in the hood. They've all had a sorta of clone face lift that... just doesn't look right. Sad. You can't go home again. But you can still go to Olympic Flame so I got my cheese burgers and skarft.

By 1:30 I was heading back to SPOA. I got there at about 3, but it was then crowded with litte kids with their little kid blinders on. I got maybe two uninterupted runs out of about ten attempts before I had had enough. The place is sick, though and I'd die to have a Grindline park planted in Booger Haller (- perhaps where the unused and useless BMX track sits? Or under the bridge at the trailhead of the greenway?) 5 Stars!

I got back at about 8pm - exhausted with the urge to travel subdued.

300 Miles For Cheeseburgers?

Got the urge to get some Olympic Flame cheeseburgers. Can't tell how much I really miss that place. It's still there, I'm not. Me and my friends used to skate a little bump out side of the "Fun Factory" warehouse, just down the street from our neighborhood. We would do berts, early grab, boneless and revert the bump, then dig in the dumpster for stuff the Fun Factory threw out; switch-blade combs, hand-buzzers, whoopie cushions, rubber chickens... the kinda crap you buy at Spencers. Then we hit up Olympic Flame, run by an old Greek guy named George. Food was awesome and we'd get a kick out of his daughter at the register's high pitched screetch CHEESEBURGER! The milk shakes ruled.

Well I Never

I've never been so happy to be puking in my life. I'm not sure what hit me still, but soon after lunch and soon after partaking of some 'exotic candy', I was unable to function. As I hunted and pecked on the key board staring dead at the each letter as I would try to type, a different letter would result on the screen. Words swirled and there was a six inch round black spot blotting my vision just to northeast of my nose. I could not look at my monitor as a whole, but had to focus in on small groupings of words. Buttons moved around on the screen and the mouse pointer had a mind of its own. Every thing seemed to echo like a copy of a copy of a copy. I felt like I my vision was through paper towel rollers. Then came the head ache. A migrane, I guess. I remember feeling this bad when I had my first concussion, but there's been no head trauma today that I can recall... It had to be the 'exotic candy'. My vision started to improve as my head hurt worse and it was getting unbearable, so I went home early. I went straight to the tile temple, to the porcelain throne, knelt down and let it all go. It was glorius! I hurled chili and dark chocolate Hershey Kisses and, I think most importantly, that one bite of 'exotic candy'. My head was still banging. I took some liquid crack (Nyquil) and I slept. And slept. And then some.

Hot For Teacher

Oh, Ms. Lafave... where were teachers like you when I was 14? No, I had Mrs. Gottleib... her voice was like Aunt Patti's and she closely resembled Jabba the Hut.

Criminal Master Minds?

Neither of these guys is any Lex Luthor...


I mean, look at 'em... they don't look smart enough to get themselves out of a wet, perforated, paper bag! What kind of retarded ass-clowns are guarding these facilities?

============================================

Oohhh!

Donkey Kong Is Deep.

Does this game remind you of your job?
Is there a 600lb gorilla throwing obstacles in the way of getting the job done?
Are you Mario?
Or the girl?
Does she know what she wants?
Is the gorilla the one you're trying to help?
What consulting firm does he work for?
Or is he a member of management?
Shouldn't he be throwing rolls of red tape?
Why is the bonus box empty?
What's up with the broken ladders?
Do they represent your career path?
Or you shop's methodolgy?
Do you just need access?
Or a document signed?
Once you get to the top, won't the gorilla just run off with the girl and change his requirements?
Why does he get two nice, big ladders and you get a bunch little broken ones?
Does he expect you to run up those ladders seven days a week?
Is the girl your life, your free-time or happiness?

Wisht I'd Went

Shircle Shity Showdown II picture from eastcoastsurf.com by netPoser (sans permission)

Ack!

Caught!

I found this at work today.

Amazing what you find on a shared network. A few days ago I was attacked by the poparazzi. I covered my face and said "No, No pictures!" They stood and waited, but finally gave up and moved on to another unsuspecting cube dweller. Disarmed and at ease again, I thought they were gone so I went back to my toil... when I heard foot steps; FLASH->CLICK "NO!!!!"

So I spent a sizable portion of today hunting for this poached picture of me. I haven't found it yet, but when I do, they will get their comeuppance. There's going to be a reckoning.

The Irony Of Rubberband Therapy

SNAP! AAAHHHH, @#$%&*!!! screamed our hero, having rendered useless a another rubberband. This was the seventh one today. Trying self therapy to control his anger, he had taken to wrapping rubberbands around his wrist and fingers to remind himself to stay calm during the trials and tribulations he faced daily. As three different managers asked for the status of the commitments they made. As his hard drive crashed. As he wondered who the conclave would pick as the next director of... whatever.

The therapy had worked... at first, until while twiddling the rubberband nervously during a meeting, the strap flexed beyond its tensity threshold and popped him sharply across the face. What a surprise! Between counting the wasted seconds of his life and paying attention for keywords that might indicate an incoming question, he began to believe he was going to make it, but now he had dropped his pacifier on the floor; lost his Nicorette; could not suck on his thumb; Mom was driving away, the tail lights getting smaller; left alone without his blankie... he would have to face Bob's question without his crutch. "What's the status of the flangie dinger out-forcing action item recto-problacation, widgy-didgy?" It sounded miles away; like the ornery bee you're vaguely aware of; like Charlie Brown's mom reading the phone book in pig-latin, droning on like lawn mowers off in the distance...

Then the phone rang. Saved by the bell!

Rubberband 2 and 3 lasted an hour each. Rubberband four popped within a half hour. He began looking for stronger bands with greater rebound, but these only hurt worse when they gave.

As he hung up the phone, and deleted the loading table emails, and finally filled out his time sheet, and hung up the most newest, up-to-date call list, he noticed he would have the support pager on his friggin' birthday... SNAP!

True

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

-George Carlin


==================================================
I used to skate with this guy from time to time at i-level, Boone and Banner Elk - Bengi Galloway.

'C' Is For Cutting Back

The Questionaire

We are asked why we have the perception that we are not happy. What's wrong with the system? What about quality? Procedures to communicate?

And we answer:

Because no one's listening.
Because it doesn't matter what we think.
Because you are not up-front with us.
Because of sourcing.
Because of cutting costs.
Because we've no carrots.
Because the system doesn't work.
Because every thing's a secret.
Because the template doesn't fit.
Because we've no options.
Because you let it fester.
Because we don't have time.
Because we don't believe it's confidential or anonymous.
Because we are taken for granted.
Because 40 ain't good enough.
Because of poor planning.
Because 3.5% ain't good enough.
Because you don't know what we do.
Because our skills are wasted.
Because we're being sold out.
Because you can't say no.
Because of undue uncertainty.
Because you've lost touch.
Because if you have to ask...
Because you ought to know.
Because of your benefits.
Because ours are gone.
Because of tight budgets.
Because pouring syrup on shit doesn't make it pancakes.

I used to have a good attitude. I fear that it has been irreparably damaged.

===================================================

I have a bad habit of re-living my acts of retardation. I dwell on the idiotic things I've said or done weeks, months, even years ago. For example:

Last year when my grandmother passed away we decided to have a graveside memorial for her after church services on Sunday. This was not a normal Sunday, it was also Father's Day Sunday. My mom, my dad and myself sat through the service. My uncle and his family sat across the aisle. Towards the end of the service, the preacher asked all of the fathers in the room to stand. My dad stood with all of the other fathers, including my uncle and his son. Then the preacher asked all of the sons and daughters to come foward to accept a gift to give to their fathers. My dad laughed and said "... go on ..." I stood still, "NO!". "...Go on up there!", he prodded, snickering. I looked over and saw my cousin heading for the aisle, as young children ran forward... so I started walking down the aisle. By the time I get to the front, I notice that my cousin has sat back down, that I'm taller than the rest of the "children" by about 2-3 feet, that I've got them all beat by about 20-25 years... AND THE ENTIRE FRIGGIN' CONGREGATION is pointing and laughing at me. My face is beet-red now and I turn and sprint back to our pew, where my dad is laughing uncontrollably and won't let me in. "Where's my gift, boy?" he laughs as I push him out of the way and slump down onto the bench. My mom, who I enherited my social awkwardness from and still has her mother's burial to look forward to, laughs sympathetically with me and looks out through the stained glass window towards my grandmother's grave-sight, surely praying, "Lord, please help my poor idiot-son get through the next hour without knocking over the casket!"

Hindsight Is m2o

In retrospect maybe it wasn't such a great idea to throw a temper-tantrum the day before my annual review... My bad, Cokémon.

Broken 4Runner Haikus

black ice on highway,

I slide then ride out the roll,

broken 4runner

violent* flipping truck,

after hitting sheet of ice,

God bless the airbag

it stopped and I walk,

away from the esuvee,

stoked to be alive

*who really says vi-o-lent? vi-lent!

Getting Old Sucks Ass Haiku

like slip bolt pliers,

Achilles Tendonitis,

getting old sucks ass

I have a new injury to add to my growing roster... Achilles Tendonitis. My 30th year has been so much fun! Maybe by this time next year I can be using a cane or a walker!

Strange Dreams

Last night I dreamed that I was eating grape flavored oranges; clementines, actually. They had orange colored peels but were purple on the inside. A girl that I see at the Y was eating them with me and then we started running. I hate running but I like her, so I tried to keep up. She eventually left me as she moved on to the cycling stage (triathlon, I guess?) I hate bicycles... I woke up tired.

The night before, I dreamed that I went to a water park. A lot of people from work were there. It cost $7 to get in. I was getting my money out of my wallet when the guy and the gate became very irritated with me: "HAVE YOUR ENTRY FEE READY WHEN YOU GET TO THE GATE! GET TO THE BACK OF THE LINE!" He reminded me of Coach Buzzcut. I got into the park on my next attempt.

Once inside, everyone was racing each other down the slides. I was frustrated that everyone was beating me down and my times kept getting worse. One person was doing worse than me. She was trying to slide down standing up. The park closed and I stayed and practiced. While at the back end of the park, I noticed that there was no fence. I could've saved $7 and not gotten yelled at.

Today I Saw a Dog With a Mullet.

Trailer Park Nights

Season 4, Webisode 5:

(Last time on Trailer Park Nights: After hearin' the pleas fer help, Blue fled the yard of's new owner's Mike and Wendy to rescue lil Jimmy. As tax time nears, will Mike and Wendy the write off the $150 they paid for Blue or go look for their new dawg. Tonya's still missing; Jonathan's none the wiser. The Law was questionin' Stephanie's momma and Marcus about the wherabouts of Stephanie. When asked about lil Jimmy, Stephanie's momma passed out. Stephanie was on the run after burnin' Nadene's trailer to the ground. How will Nadene react? Will lil Jimmy be saved? Where's Stephanie? Where's Tonya? Will Tanya get away with what she done? All this and more on this episode of... TRAILER PARK NIGHTS)

<Theme song plays, characters pose...>

Officer Swayne: Bacon! Call EMS... she's past-out! (while both Bacon and Swayne aren't lookin', Marcus makes a run for it)

Marcus: Kiss my rebel ass, pigs!

Swayne: DAMMIT!

Officer Bacon: ... yeah, we need an EMS unit and back up. We got a 390D and HBD onna run... suspected 920F...

(Marcus long gone into the woods...)

STATION: Rookie, can you comeback in English?

Bacon: 10-4, request EMS and backup... We got a possible drunk and unconscious, a drunk on the run and a suspected missing child. Over.

STATION: 10-4. Is this at the arson scene? ... at the trailer park?

Bacon: 'Firmative.


Scene 2 (Mike and Wendy running after Blue...)

Mike: Blue! Bad dog! Get back here!

Wendy: (winded) Forget about him, Mike... we're better off without that retard-dog! (Mike keeps running, Wendy slows to a jog as they enter the woods where they last saw Blue.)

Scene 3 (Meanwhile, Blue is pissin' all over lil Jimmy...)

Lil Jimmy: Dangit, Blue! Stoppit! You friggin' retard-dawg!!! (Mike runs up to the edge of wrecked mine shaft entrance, seeing Blue and lil Jimmy...)

Mike: Blue! Jimmy! Are you all right? (He runs down to where lil Jimmy lies broken and wet. Blue looks aloof, but relieved)

Lil Jimmy: Help me! This stupid-ass re-tard dawg jes pistallover me.

Mike: What happened... Jimmy, right? (He pulls out his cell phone...) Lay still... I'm a doctor...

Lil Jimmy: I was ridin' my go-cart lass night, and, and,... I ain't sposed to be ridin' back'ere, but, um... well alla-sudden...

Dr. Mike: You've been laying here since last night!?!?

Lil Jimmy: (crying now) Yeah... and I was screamin' fer help... and this retard-dawg jes peed all over me! And if I could git up, I'd kick the crap out ovem. (Wendy comes walking up...)

Dr. Mike: (To Wendy...) Go get my bag and a blanket! (To Lil Jimmy...) Son, that 'retard' dog may have saved you from hypothermia... (he calls 911 on his cell phone...)

Commercial

Scene 4 (Jonathan just gits loose from the duct tape that bound em when Tanya comes out of the bathroom door...)

Jonathan: Tonya? What the hell, baby?

Tanya: You have fun lass night, Johnny?

Jonathan: Johnny? Lass night? I'on't member nothing that happened lass night! (he wrings his wrists, still red and sticky from the duct tape...) What the hell's gotten into you? (Listens) You hear somethin'?

(Tanya laughs a weird unfamiliar laugh... Jonathan looks confused; scared.)


Scene 5 (in the crawl space, under the Tonya's trailer; she's bound and gagged with duct tape...)

Tonya: Mmmpphhh, mmmpph, ooom-hmmmm! Ffmmmmph!



Scene 6 (Stephanie's been on the road fer hours...)

Stephanie: (To her self, crying...) What've I done. I'm a end up in jail! Lil Jimmy's gonna grow up with out a momma! That bitch Nadene'll prolly jes git a bran-new trailer wither insurance money and she's gonna steal Tim! (crying more, gettin' mad...) Shoulda waited till she's asleep inner trailer an burner ass up!

(this kinda manic self-pity/anger monologue goes on fer miles...)

Scene 7

Nadene: That BITCH! (as she and Tim pull up to her still smoldering trailer)

Tim: I tole you! What'd I tell ya? She's friggin' crazy! We gotta fine lil Jimmy if she ain't already kid-napptem!

Nadene: I'M GOIN' TO KILL THAT BITCH!!! (Tim notices the sheriff car a few lots down...)

Tim: Nadene... quiet down, they's po-leese over thar. Stop talkin' bout killin' my baby's momma in front of the po-leese. (To the Law...) OFF-SIR! (He walks over to the Bacon and Swayne) C'mon, Nadene!


Bacon: (To Swayne, who is still trying to revive Stephanie's momma...) Sarge! Ms. Adams is here! (To Nadene...) Ms. Adams, we're gonna needs to ask you some questions about your trailer home...

Nadene: Yeah! I wanna file a complaint!

Swayne: (Walks away from Stephanie's momma, who lays unconscious but resting comfortable, Nods acknowledgement to Tim) Tim.

Tim: (to Swayne) Jake.

Swayne: Ms. Adams, we have sev-ral reports that Stephanie Barnes was seen storming out after a confrontation with you and Tim at Frosty's lass night. We were questionin' Ms. Barnes' momma and her step-deady when she past-out an he runned off.

Commercial


Scene 8 (an ambulance, a lawyer and a local newspaper reporter show up together at the scene of the mine shaft)

Dr. Mike: Easy, son. Help is here. (The EMS crew race down to Lil Jimmy, beaten to jimmy's side by the lawyer. The photographer/reporter/editer of the Record snaps shots of the scene)

Lawyer: Son. We're going to get you compensation for your injuries. The land owner, the mine company, Briggs & Stratton... they've got deep pockets, son...

Ems: Excuse me! (They push the lawyer aside to tend to Lil Jimmy) Lay still. Tell us what hurts...

Lil Jimmy: Ma Laygg an my neck...

Lawyer: I've got a neck brace right here... (Blue walks over to the lawyer and lifts his leg...)


Scene 9 (Tanya and Jonathan walk out to his Iroq Z28)

Jonathan: You drive, Tonya... I still ain't right from lass night.

Tanya: (Excited) OK! Gimmie yer keys!

Jonathan: What? Where's yers? You ain't lost that key I gave you???

Tanya: Uh... no, I... uh jes... hole-on (looks through Tonya's purse) Oh... here they are. (They git in...)

Tanya: Uhmmmm... (it's a 5-speed...)


Final Scene:

Swayne: Thas all the questions we've got fer right now, mame. We appreciate yer help.

Nadene: (Calmed down by now...) Thank you, off-sirs.

Bacon: (Lookin' deep into Nadene's eyes...) Do you have a place to stay tonight? (Tim interupts...)

Tim: Yeah. She's got a place to stay, (Cou-PIG!-ghs)

Bacon: What was that?

Tim: Nuthin'... I's jes saying she's got a place to stay. (Tanya and Jonathan pull up in his Iroc Z28... Jonathan gets out... angrily)

Jonathan: (To Tim...)What the hell're you doing with my sister, you sum'a'bitch!


(Next time on Trailer Park Nights: Will punches be thrown right in front of the Law? Didn't Jonathan notice his sister Nadene was with Tim the night before at Frosty's or was he too drunk? Is Blue really gonna urinate on the lawyer? Will Dr. Mike find out that Lil Jimmy's Grand mother doesn't really need an operation? Will Stephanie have to toss salad in jail? Will Stephanie's momma be revived in time to see the race tonight? Will Marcus git away? Where's Stephanie? Can Tonya escape? How will Tanya explain Jonathan's burned out clutch in his Iroc Z28... and what she done? All this and more on the next webisode of... TRAILER PARK NIGHTS!)

Cracked Knee Haiku

oh my busted knee,

painful swelling full of pus,

makes a creaky noise

Trailer Park Nights

Season 4, Webisode 4:

(Last time on Trailer Park Nights: Where's Tonya? She was no where to be seen as her finance Jonathan ander long, loss twin sister Tanya were seen together partying at Frosty's. Mean while, lil Jimmy lay broken and bleeding fer hours after crashin' thru the old abandoned mine shaft. Stephanie lefter trailer after her aner momma had cross words about her baby's deady Tim aner step-deady Marcus. What will she do when she fines out about Tim an Nadene's drunken grab-assin' at the bar? Shouldn't Nadene get to the hospital?... Who paid Tanya's ransom? Find all this out and more on the next webisode of... TRAILER PARK NIGHTS)

<Theme song plays, characters pose...>

(At Frosty's Bar, the reglers are in full swing. Jonathan and Tanya are sloppy drunk an all over each other. Sixer seven PBRs seem to've done wonders fer Nadene's ankle as she's on the dance floor grab-assin' with Tim... Stephanie walks in the door...)

Stephanie: TIM!!! WHAT'N HELLER YOU DOIN' WITH THAT WHORE?!?!?

(In mid-grind, doggy-style position, Tim blurrily looks up at his baby's mamma, surprised...)

Tim: Steph-knee! Uh, uh... It ain't whut it looks like! We was lookin fer lil Jimmy's dog... and, uh... yeah, Nadene broker layg an I's gonna taker to the hospital... we jes stopteer to, uh... dang... (to Nadene, still grindin') Git offa me, dangit!

Stephanie: Layg broken, huh? Sh'ont look liker layg's broke the way that ho's gotter ass all over you! You summa-bitch!...

(Stephanie storms outta the bar... on a mishun.)

Scene 2

(Lil Jimmy becomes aware of his predicament. He's stuck unner's go-cart down in the abandoned mine shaft he'd been ferbidden to go near. He kin see the broken timbers he crashed thru abov'em from the moon light comin' in. He trys and pushes on the go-cart to no avail...)

Jimmy: MOMMA!, MOMMA!, DEADY! (crying)... BLUUUUEEE! (there ain't no answer 'cept fer the sound of crickets.)

Scene 3

Marcus: You kin ferget aboutit! I ain't taken you out looken fer Steph-knee.

Stephanie's Momma: Fine! Jes gimmie yer keys an I'll go by my self. I ain't lettin'er run oft an doin' sumfin stupid with that jackass Tim!

Marcus: I tole ye, sh'ain't going nowheres with Tim. He's at the.. (Stephanie's momma grab's Marcus' keys an runs out the doors. He's to drunk too stopper.) ...Where'na hell you goin?

(Stephanie's momma drives off into the night. Marcus stumbles out the door to the front porch an sees Stephanie's momma's runnin' lights shrink in the distance. He tries to run afterer an falls down the stairs. He passes out in a heap at the landing.)

Commercial - This webisode of TRAILER PARK NIGHTS is brought to you by Nyquil - liquid crack in a tasty cherry flavor!

Scene 4

(On the road, Stephanie's momma passes Stephanie going the other way, but doesn't see her. Stephanie flips her off. She has a tank fulla kerocene an some matches she jes pictup from the Come N Go up the street.)

Scene 5 (Nex Mornin', Jonathan wakes up in his bed to the sound of a shower.)

Jonathan (to self): Oh my head... what the hell happened? (aloud) TONYA? What the hell happened lass night?... Why'm I all duct taped up?

Tanya (from the shower): I be out in a minute, Johnny!

Jonathan (to self): Johnny??... (aloud) Tonya?... Baby, why'm I all duct taped up?

(shower continues with no answer.)

Scene 6

(The law pulls up into Marcus and Stephanie's momma's driveway. They get out and approach Marcus, who's still passed out at the bottom of the steps.)

Officer Swayne (to Marcus): Mr. Triplette?, MR. TRIPLETTE! MARCUS TRIPLETTE! (to the rookie officer) Bacon! Call EMS!

Marcus: (Grunts) Naomi (Stephanie's momma's name?), git backere wit my truck 'for I smack you agin... (passes out again).

Officer Swayne: Never mind, rookie. I thank he's comin' round. (nudges Marcus with a boot, kicks Marcus in the gut) Git up!

Marcus: (Grunts again, opens his eyes and sees Officers Swayne and Bacon) Dang!

Officer Swayne: Mr. Triplette, we got some queshuns an we thank you you got some answers...

Marcus: Kiss my rebel ass, pig!

(Officer Bacon turns his head away as Swayne starts kickin'.)

Marcus: (caughin') I-ight, i-ight... I'll answer! I'll answer... ast me, ast me!!

Officer Swayne: Whatta you know bout that smolderin' trailer over there?

Marcus: I ain't start no far! I been here all night! You kin ast Naomi! Aster! She'll tell ya!

Officer Bacon: Sir, we're looking for Mrs. Trip-- (Swayne cuts him off...)

Officer Swayne: Shet the hell up, rookie! (to Marcus) We got an APB out onyer dawterNlaw. We spect she burnt down Miss Dautry's trailer over there.

Marcus: Prolly did... she prolly did... Is Nadene i-ight?

Commercial

Scene 7

Tim: Dang, Nadene... what happened lass night... that cain't happen again... If Steph-knee foun-out she'd prolly burn yer trailer down...

Nadene: (laffin') What'd you mean 'if she foun-out'? She caught us lass night, 'member?

Tim: Dang!

Nadene: Don't werry Tim, she'ain't stupid.

Tim: She is stupid, too! She's a dang ... (Nadene cuts him off...)

Nadene: She'ain't gonna do nothin' like that an leave lil' Jimmy to have his momma in jail. 'Sides... I'd beater ass!

Tim: Dang!!! Lil Jimmy! We still ain't found his dawg!

Scene 8

(Lil Jimmy's still stuck in the abandoned mine shaft, but has managed to drag'em self out from unner's go-cart. He's got some pretty bad lacerashuns. He's hert and inna lotta pain.)

Lil Jimmy: MOMMA! MOMMA! (crying) MOMMA, BLUE! (split screen; off in the distance, Blue's new owner's tryin' to teachem how to sit and lay down... the trainin' ain't goin' well...)

Blue's new owner: I SAID SIT!... SIT! (Blue looks aloof, his new owner screams to her husband:) Honey, this dog you've brought home is retarded!

(Blue hears Lil Jimmy's crys for help and takes off, bounds over the fence and heads in the direction of Lil Jimmy's voice.)

Blue's new owner: Mike, that retarded dog you bought just ran off!!!

Blue's other new owner (Mike): Well Wendy, I only paid $150 for him... It was the least I could do... the kid was selling his dog to raise money for his grandmother's operation! Poor kid! (split screen goes away...)

Scene 9

(Stephanie's momma's been out all night lookin' fer Stephanie. She slows onner way back to her trailer as she passes what's left of Nadene's smoldering trailer...)

Stephanie's momma: I thank she's been back here lately (she says to her self. Pulling on into her driveway she see's the law questionin' her husband...) Dangit, Marcus! (she says to her self before she gets out to see what he's done...)

Officer Swayne: Howdy Mrs. Tripplette... we's jes askin Mr. Triplette some questions...

Stephanies' momma: He ain't done nuthin' wrong... I deserved it... he warned me and I jes kept running my mouth... (Swayne and Bacon look at each other; Marcus interupts...)

Marcus: Yer doin' it again, Naomi! Shet yer hole!

Officer Swayne: Mame, we was asking him if he knew anything about that burnt down trailer over yonder...

Stephanie's momma: ...Oh...

Officer Bacon: Mrs. Triplette, do you know the where-abouts of your daughter?

Stephanie's momma: Well, uh, she...

Officer Swayne: Yer Gran-son, James???

Stephanie's momma: Lil' Jimmy!?!?! (She faints.)

Final scene: (Lil Jimmy's dawg Blue is bounding through the woods closing in on the calls of Lil Jimmy. He get's to the opening of the abandoned mine and sees Jimmy. He barks twiced. Lil Jimmy looks up and screams in joy.)

Lil Jimmy: BLUE! Go get help boy! Good dawg! (Blue goes down in the hole and walks up to Lil Jimmy, panting and waggin' his tail...)

Lil Jimmy: Good dawg... (shivering) go get help boy.

(Blue lifts his leg...)

<Theme song plays, credits roll...>

(Next time on Trailer Park Nights: What happened to Tonya? Is Blue really gonna urinate on Lil Jimmy? Will he go get help? Why didn't Mike just give Lil Jimmy the $150 and let him keep his dog? Will Jonathan figure out that Tanya SWF'd her sister? Who paid the ransom? When will he and Tim fight? Over what? Will the law let Marcus get away in the midst of the confusion caused by the far and Stephanie's momma passin' out? When's the last time Stephanie's even thought about her baby's deady's son? Where'd she go? Will Nadene beater ass fer what she done? All this and more on the next webisode of... TRAILER PARK NIGHTS!)

Mexican't Anymore

Mexican for lunch,
Mexican for dinner,
it's just starting;

Twenty Five at Chile Verde',
Eighteen at El Valle',
can't stop farting;

A taco, burrito,
beans and rice,
This is the combo that I ate twice;

Now that I'm home,
I'm paying the price,
Pepto-Bismol will not suffice.

It's A Celebration!

The Chapelle's Show second season will be out on dvd on February 8th, according to Maxim Magazine's February issue!!!


Click the picture above to see Dave Chapelle as Rick James on Comedy Central's Chapelle's Show.

TcHell-Man

"Well, there are all manner of lesser imps and demons, Pete, but the great Satan hisself is red and scaly with a bifurcated tail, and he carries a hay fork."
-Ulysses Everett McGill, O Brother, Where Art Thou?

Hangman:


"Damn! We're in a tight spot!"
- Ulysses Everett McGill, O Brother, Where Art Thou?

Prince Can Ball!

All of Chapelle's sketches rule, but this is (maybe) my favorite:


Click the picture above to see Dave Chapelle as Prince on Comedy Central's Chapelle's Show.

Other clips of interest (Rated eF for lots of eFfing eF words):

• "Pray For Me - Jason Jessee", dude needs prayer (don't we all?)

Trailer Park Nights

Season 4, Webisode 3:

(Last time on Trailer Park Nights:
Nadine and Tim's hunt fer lil Jimmy's dawg took them further from the park then they'd ever been as pashuns run high, unbeknownst to Tim's baby's mamma Stephanie who's been preshurin' Tim fer nuptuals. Meanwhile, lil' Jimmy's confided in Tonya that he sole his dawg so's he could get him a new engine fer's go-cart. Will Tonya tell on em or's she too preoccupied with lernin' of her long lost identical twin sister who'd been held fer ransom? Will Stephanie find out about Nadine? Will Tim fall prey to Nadine's forwardness? Or will Tonya's sister Tanya makeout with Tonya's boyfriend Jonathan in his Iroc Z28? Who paid the ransom? Find all this out and more in this webisode of... TRAILER PARK NIGHTS)

<Theme song plays, characters pose...>

Tim: Dang that dang dog! Where you reckon he went to?

Nadine: I spect te'll come a runnin' come some supper time... (Nadine rolls her ankle and falls to the ground. )

Nadine: Dammit!

Tim: You all right Nadine (tryin' not to laff)?

Nadine: No you summa-bitch (cryin')... I think I broke my ankle!

Tim: Dang, Nadine... I sarry... I ain't mean to laff achta. Lemme hep y'up.

Nadine: Yer gonna hafta carry me, Tim (cryin' even more).

(Tim pixer up and their eyes meet as Beautiful by HIM begins to play in the background; they commence to tongue-kissin'.)

Fade to scene 2.

Stephanie: I'm jus gonna fake a coma and when he sees he could lose me, he'll wont me morn-ever.

Stephanie's momma: Steph-knee, I tole you that boy's a no-count, good fer nuthin' loser an you ain't listen to me. You ain't listen to me then, an you ain't listnin' to me now. Yer deady's dang near kilt that boy, an cause of him the law's been out here twiced lookin' fer em fer what he done.

Stephanie: That wernt Tim's fault. You jus don't understand; Marcus jus hates Tim cause I wouldn't go out with em and went with Tim instead.

Stephanie's momma: You stop callin' yer step-deady Marcus! He's payin yer way through beauty school an you'll givem the dang r'spec he deserves!

Stephanie: (Cryin') He AIN't my deady! Anybody that's ask me out and then marries my momma is son of a ....

(Stephanie's momma slaps Stephanie)

Scene 3
Tonya: You gotta tell yer deady wut you've done, Jimmy!

Jimmy: I c'ain't! Deady'll whoop my ass if he finds out I sole that dawg; sides, that dawg was a retard an this go-cart is aw-some now with this new engine. C'mon Tonya... lemme take you fer a ride.

Tonya: I... I c'ain't... I'm fixin' to go with Jonathan over to the bus station to pick up Tanya; my long loss sister. I'm so nervice an excited!

Jimmy: Fine then. You jus better not tell nobody bout how I sole Blue or where I got this new go-cart engine! (He spins his tires in the gravel and rides off angrily.)

Commercial

Scene 4

(Tim and Nadine're still kissin' till they hear a motor of in the woods.)

Tim: What'n far was-at!?!?

Nadine: Prolly jus some dumb kid on a mini-bike messin' round the ole abadoned mines.

Tim: This is wrong, Nadine. We c'aint be doin' this. I made a mistake taken you out here wimmie...

Nadine: Yer Right Tim... Less go fine ol Blue... Oh Tim!!!

Tim: Oh Nadine! (They kiss some more.)

Scene 5

(Stephanie's runnin out the front door of the trailer, bags pact, carryin' on so the whole park can hear.)

Stephanie: I'm leavin' and I ain't never comin' back!

Stephanie's momma: Good! S'bout time you got outta here and outta me an Marcus' pocket book! You run to that idiot Tim! Y'all deserve one another (screaming/crying) you spoilt lil bitch!

Scene 6

(Jonathan and Tonya pull up to the Greyhound station in his Iroc Z28. Def Leopard is blairin' out of the speakers making the loose, bubbly DIY window tint rattle and vibrate. They see Tonya's long, loss twin sister...)

Jonathan: Dang! You reckon that's her?

(Tonya jumps out the car an runs toer long, loss sister.)

Tonya: Tanya?!?!

Tanya: Tonya?!?!

(They hug. With Tonya's back to him, Jonathan checks out Tanya's goods. Mist surrounds...)

(Tonya, Jonathan and Tanya are in the hot tub. Tonya pours PBR down Jonathan's throat while Tanya stands up in the hot tub and reaches for the tiny string that holds her bikini top on...)

Jonathan: AWESOME!...(mist dissipates, Jonathan comes back to to reality as he hears Tonya callin' his name.)

Tonya: Jonathan... Jonathan... JONATHAN!!...

Jonathan: Uh, wha?...

Tonya: Tanya, this is my fiancee, Jonathan... Jonathan, this is Tanya.

(Tanya stares longingly at Jonathan's Iroc Z28 as Jonathan checks out the revelation of Tanya's v-neck.)

Commercial

Scene 7

(Lil Jimmy is speeding along in his go cart out near where the old mine is. He's been ferbidden to go there... He weaves in an out from betwixt rocks and trees before crashin' into one of the abandoned mine shafts.)

Scene 8

(Marcus comes home smelling of Night Train and Aqua net.)

Stephanie's mama: Dammit Marcus! Where you been? I've been worried sick. Steph-knee left... we had some cross words an I'm afeared sh'ain't never coming back.

Marcus: What'd she say?

Stephanie's mama: That sh'ain't never coming back! (crying)We gotta go getter for she runs oft an marries Tim!

Marcus: (Laughs)Tim ain't going to marry'er... I jus saw him at the Frosty's with Nadine from lot #9.

Scene 9 at the Frosty's

(Nadine has'er ace-bandaged leg propped up in Tim's lap at the booth crost from the bar. They are getting drunker.)

Nadine: What about Lil Jimmy's dawg?

Tim: Ferget that dang dawg! I'ont care bout no dang dawg... that dawg can kiss my rebel-ass! YEE-HA!!!

(Other drunken rednecks join in:)

YEE-HAAAAWWW!!!!

(The doors swing open and Jonathan and Tanya walk in. Everybody thinks it's Tonya.)

Final scene

(deep in the mine shaft, Lil Jimmy lies motionless under the weight of his go-cart... the wheels still rollin', blood dripping from a knot on his forehead. He's still breathing.)

<theme song plays, credits roll...>

(Next time on Trailer Park Nights: What happened to Tonya? Will Lil Jimmy be found? With the help of his ole dawg Blue? Stephanie finds out about Nadine and sets fire to her trailer. Tim and Jonathan fight. Who paid the ransom? Why is Stephanie's momma in the hospital? Will the law catch Marcus fer what he done? All this and more on the next webisode of... TRAILER PARK NIGHTS!)

The Worst Haiku Ever

I write this haiku,
by just counting to seven,
it was too easy

Rolling Kristy; Again!

Adam Sandler's Horoscope

This one always gives me a chuckle. It's been attributed to Adam Sandler. I don't know if he really wrote it, but here goes (you might wanna skip this one if you can't deal with a little bit of profanity):

Adam Sandler's Horoscope


Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk. Top

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22)
You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick. Top

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22)
You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit. Top

Taurus (April 23 - May 22)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist. Top

Gemini (May 23- June 22)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest. Top

Cancer (June 23 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer. Top

Leo (July 23 -Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex. Top

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps. Top

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nill. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease. Top

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22)
You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered. Top

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit. Top

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken shit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself. Top

PETA - People Engaged in the Torching of Ants

PETA - People Eating Tasty Animals

The Prototype

I thought I did some stupid things in college. I had no idea what I was in for in my professional life. In a perfect world, my job as an IT professional would be to take manual business processes, analyze how those business processes can be automated and then automate them... In the real world, business users dream up half-balked, hair-brained schemes and request that it be automated yesterday. I will refer to business users from here on out as "they" or "those jackasses"...

A year into my new career, I was still naive, gaining confidence and just finishing rollout of my first project. It had gone out successfully and I was stoked to start something new; until I heard what it was.

They had a "prototype". At first I was happy to hear this until I found out what the process was and what exactly it was that they called a "prototype".

Their idea was to:

1. take high cost, slow moving items out of the retail locations.


2. put these back into distribution centers.


3. use floor models with signage to make customers aware that, while we didn't have the model in stock, it was available from the warehouse and could be there in in couple of days.


4. allow systematic availability checks, reservations, confirmations and order fulfillment.

All in all, this was not too bad of an idea, except that those jackasses had already rolled out the signage and what they called phase 1 by which a prototype 'system' was in place. They accomplished 1-3 above.

For #4, when a customer wanted to order an item:

1. the salesman would call a jackass at the corporate headquarters.


2. the jackass would put the salesman on hold and find out the availability by calling and asking someone at the distribution center.


3. if the item was available, the jackass would tell the salesman to call back when the order had been tendered.


4. the salesman would call the jackass back, letting him know that the order was tendered.


5. the jackass would drive to the distribution center to pickup the item and take it back to the corporate head quarters.


6. the jackass would then UPS the item to the store.


7. finally, the store would receive the item and call the customer for pickup.

I imagined what would have happened if early development of the space program worked this way... JFK announces putting a man on the moon by the end of the decade. Just to get something going, NASA begins feverishly working on the prototype... They'll need a capsule and one BIG-ASS ladder...

And voila: The Prototype!


These guys had The Right Stuff to get From the Earth to the Moon.

PETA - People Enjoy Tormenting Arachnids

I do, anyway...